I did my own little experiment in letting go just the other day to see what would happen. I was driving with my husband, and noticed that I was thinking about my children and their various problems. I was not focused on what I was doing. My life, at that moment and so many others, was not mine. It was theirs.
It's not their fault. I chose to focus on their needs and priorities above my own from the moment they were born. As my kids grew, I prepared a path before them as best I could. I used words and actions to help smooth their way. Despite my efforts, if they stumbled or faced the inevitable difficulty, I was there to kiss their pain away and ease their hearts. Well and good when they were two, but when they're twenty-two it's a different story. I had formed this habit when they were little, but for my sake and theirs, it was time to break it.
I imagined how I would feel if my husband and I had had no children. Immediately I felt freer and more expansive, as if life had more possibilities and I had more choice.
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret having kids at all. Being a mom has been wonderful. I've become stronger, more patient, and more in touch with the areas in my psyche and soul that needed healing. Motherhood has truly inspired personal growth in so many areas, and I'm in awe of all my children have given me and how enriching their presence is in my life. They are wonderful people.
It's just that now realize that all my attempts to manage my children's experiences are meant to make ME feel better, not them. First, I was using them a an excuse to get out of living my life. After all, how could I focus on my life when I was so busy trying to live theirs. Second, if I could make everything all right with them, I imagined I could be free from worry and doubt. In short, I was a prisoner of my insecurities, and so were they. I decided it was time for all of us to be set free.
Here is my pledge:
"To the best of my ability, I solemnly swear to the Sacred Mother that I will be for you, my children, as She is for all of us: a loving presence who let's us live our lives the way we choose. With a deep knowing in my heart, I surrender to the truth that no matter what occurs, all is truly well. I will let life guide you to your proper path and I will, to the best of my ability, butt out!"
Go and live your lives. I will love you, let you go, and, finally, learn to live mine. I think it's about time.
Love, Kristine
