When I was practicing Aikido we focused on moving from our center. To me that meant my body was over my feet, my posture was correct, and I was able to meet an "attack" fluidly without loosing my balance. The physical aspects of moving from center were reasonably clear to me, and it was completely obvious when I lost my center: Either I fell down, or couldn't meet an attack properly, or wasn't able to manage a turn or a throw without effort. To recover my footing after losing my balance I practiced rolling. That way when I fell down I could more easily regain my footing, re-center, and be ready for the next attack.
Off the mat, this question arises: what do I do when I'm thrown mentally?
It happens to all of us. Someone says something mean or rude, or offers an opinion that we don't like. Our reactions to a mental attack are as varied as we are, but the end result is the same: we lose our center. Sometimes it takes us just a few seconds to regain our presence, or peace, of mind, and we're back on an even keel again. Sometimes it takes a few days to get over the insult, but if the attach is severe there is a chance that we might "lose ourselves", lose our center, for a very long time.
When that happens, we become people who are constantly and chronically angry, defensive, grief-stricken or depressed. In short, a little "unbalanced". We mentally "fell down" when someone "attacked" us and, if we don't have the emotional skill it takes to recover, we remain, metaphorically, on the ground. We can become accustomed to this unbalanced state, and it can even become a comfort zone of sorts for us. That means we've lost the awareness of our center; the place where love, peace, and joy reside, because we're so used to being in a state of emotional discomfort we don't even realize that we're off balance.
So how do we recognize when we are off-center? The biggest clue is that we blame others for our problems. Sure, someone "did" something to us (we were attacked) and we reacted badly (we lost our center). This is a valid response at the time of the affront, but if we continue to blame our attacker for the current problems in our lives, then we've given our power over to something outside of our essential selves. When we do that, we're WAY off center.
As I said, the answer to a physical push that knocks us off center can be a roll that helps us regain our footing again, but how do we "roll" mentally and emotionally after an interpersonal attack knocks us for a loop? Here's what I came up with.
- We begin by clearly stating what hurt: "When someone yells at me I feel angry".
- We define what we'd prefer: "I prefer a softer means of communication".
- We outline why we have this preference: "When someone talks to me in a normal tone of voice, I can more easily hear what they have to say. I can accept criticism more easily when offered gently. I enjoy being with people who treat others kindly. I'm a kind person myself, and enjoy being with others who are kind. I love being in the company of people who treat each other with respect. I like to treat others respectfully and kindly."
Love, Kristine
