I feel faintly guilty about doing this, politically incorrect, kind of like the way I feel when I admit to liking football, but I do enjoy having a tree in the house.
Although the tree itself will dry up and land on the sidewalk, to be picked up and recycled, during it's time brightening our living room its branches hold the memories of all the holidays our family has spent together.
Every year, from the time my three children were born, each one has received a decoration just for them. My dream is that, when they have their own families, I will collect and give them their personal ornaments so that a part of their past will adorn their future trees.
So, yesterday we bought a tree.
Usually, I feel a surge of energy when we do this, an increase in my joy and holiday cheer, as if the season has really begun; but I didn't feel as good as I usually do, so this morning before my walk, my question to the universe was: "how can I feel more joy".
An almost immediate answer came. I looked down, found, and rescued this star from the mud of the ridge trail:
I immediately remembered a Solstice song that we sing every year:
"Light is returning/ although it is the darkest night/no one can hold back the dawn.
Keep the candles burning/Keep the light of hope alive/Earth mother is calling her children home."
As I softly sang this song to myself, I felt so much comfort. Joy kindled a fire in my heart.
This song reminds me of life's cyclical nature, and I realized that I was attaching way too much weight to my current attack of the blues. I mistook my mood for who I was, forgetting that the sunshine always follows the rain.
I'm gradually learning to negotiate my mood swings with more grace and patience, to not think that my sadness is me, or is even bad or wrong. Sure, it doesn't feel as good as joy, but neither grief nor joy lasts. Life is a constant ebb and flow, and I'm learning to ride the tides of fortune and not attach who or what I am to what I feel moment to moment.
After all, essentially there is something of the eternal in all of us. True, our history is held by us like the tree holds decorations; but it's merely the "bling" of our life, moments that once were, but are no longer. Our history is not who we truly are.
We are more than our past, present, or future. We are, and that's enough. Our bodies will fade away, but the world that we have created through living our distinct and amazing lives is our eternal legacy. Light fades, but light returns. No one can hold back the dawn.
Love,
Kristine
