Big Happy

I'm back from Seattle. For those of you who don't know, I've got a son going to school there (Cornish College of Art) as a theater major. The purpose of my trip was to see him in his latest play.

Well, cutting to the chase, he was AWESOME!!! AMAZING!!! FABULOUS!!!

No, really, he was. I know I'm his mom, and all, but I swear, when he was onstage I completely forgot that we were related. His performance and the play itself put me right where I love to be when I see art: in a different world.

For me, that's what defines a great performance, a great piece of art, music, whatever. When I forget the world around me and have a true emotional response to a piece, I figure I've just stumbled across genius.

I think this is very hard to do, but worth the effort. I also believe that the best way for an artist to achieve this result is to forget about trying to achieve this result. Complete immersion in the work and having the work create an emotional response in you, the creator, is the best way to create that in your audience.

It's hard to forget the audience, but worth the effort. Work for yourself only, and only when you love the work. That's big. That's huge. That's happiness.

That's ART!

This Love Boat is Listing

Valentines day can be a challange. With a partner, without a partner, it doesn't matter.

I had very little sleep last night. I woke up tired and felt overwhelmed by what I had on my schedule today. I got a lovely card, necklace, earrings, and bracelet from my partner, but even that didn't help alter my mood. It's not that I wasn't grateful. I was very grateful. I was just too tired to act grateful. The only thing I wanted to be was asleep.

What to do?

My goal is happiness. Every moment I want to aim towards that goal. How can I achieve it? I was far from feeling happy, and there was a long day stretching ahead of me that I didn't want to just slog through.

I decided to forgo exercising. That wiped one thing off my list. Phew. Stay home and rest. I made that decision after I'd had my coffee, so I couldn't go back to sleep, but at least I had some space to ease into the rest of my day.

Next, I decided to decide, moment by moment, what to do and to carefully expend only the energy I had for each activity and stop when I had had enough.

I've had enough blogging.

See ya next time.

Miss Guided, Miss Guidance

Well, I reread my last blog and decided that my whole problem is me.

I actually believed that there's a right way to be, a right way to do things.

I'm, well, wrong about that. Everyone has their own way of moving through the world. It's time for me to let go of ego and let everyone be the way they need to be. I can't possibly advise my son or you or anyone about how to live their lives. Only you know what's best for you. Your own time table, own mistakes, own beliefs, own tragedys, comedies, and feats of ordinary living are the building blocks of your life.

And yet, here I am writing this blog. It does imply that I'm trying to teach others. Well, for all I know, no one but me is reading this, but I'm really the only one that needs to read it. I'm trying to reach a goal, a way of feeling joyful and peaceful as much of the time as possible. Writing this blog refocuses me, and alerts me to where I might be missing the mark and what is in alignment with my goal.

I missed the mark last blog. I tried to solve my boy's problems. I didn't trust him to do it on my own, and I didn't trust life. Life, his life, will teach him all he needs to know, and I can trust him to learn and grow as he lives his life. He is the best judge of how to solve any problem he has.

I understand now that nothing and no one is beyond the reach of love. You don't have to earn love or change in order to get love. Love is in you and around you. It's your birthright. Even the worst human beings and the worst behavior possible is within love's scope. The only real way I can aid anyone in pain is to love them.

I think that was what O Sensei was teaching when he talked about Aikido. An attacker has lost his balance. See his point of view (tenkan) and send him on his way.

When we engage in right-wrong thinking, we are in opposition to all-encompassing love. There is no right way to be. There is just being. I'm going to focus on being in love.

Been Down So Long It Looks Like Up To Me

I heard from my brilliant son yesterday. This is not just a proud mom talking. He really is brilliant. He doesn't know it, though, and that's the trouble. He doesn't seem to know how to make the kind of choices that will enrich and enhance his life.

As his mom, I often blame myself. "If only I'd been able to somehow change the way I parented", I say to myself, "perhaps he'd be better able to live his life more wisely."

Maybe, but that's beside the point now. Our power for ourselves is in this moment. This one. This very one. NOW. We can't change the past, and, even if we could, we can't change other people.

I can't change my son. Only he can do that, and only if he wants to. All I can do is believe in my heart that the universe is pointing him in the right direction; toward his true potential and away from that which no longer serves him.

It looks like he got fired from a job, but actually, he was no longer a match for that job and was too stubborn to let it go. The universe sees who he is, sees his potential, and is not concerned with how he sees himself. The universe wants him to move forward into the life he was born to live. The universe knows he's been playing life too small. He needs to grow his ambition, his self regard, and his self love.

Sometimes, what seems to be a curse can turn into a blessing. I know he's in pain, and I know he feels lost and humiliated, but I also know that he'll get over it and that something else will turn up for him if only he will forget the past and expect more from and for himself.

At this point in our life together the only thing I can do is love him and keep the faith I have in him burning bright. Someday he'll see that light shining in my eyes, and I hope that will inspire him to ignite a light all his own.

Soon he'll see that what he thought was "Up" was just something he was settling for. There's so much more in this life for him.

Go get it, Hon.