Magic Mushrooms

The other day I was walking near the bay when I noticed some mushrooms.  They were beautiful: a delicate yellow color with a largish soft orange spot right in the center.  They were tall, slender and etherial looking and altogether pleasure to see.

I've noticed mushrooms cropping up in unusual places during this wet weather.  Storms that left the trails muddy also encouraged mushroom spoors to sprout.  The ones on my favorite hillside trail were more common-looking than those I saw by the Bay: squat and about 2 inches in diamater with thick stems and colored the familiar creamy white that paint stores label  "mushroom".

After a few more days of deluge, dog and I ventured out to the ridge trail again to grab some fresh air and exercise while the skies were clear.  There I noticed that the trail side 'shrooms were HUGE!  The rain had made them twice the size as they were last week. I was very impressed with their new girth and their ability to grow so quickly.

Ahah! Another message from the universe. 

Lately there's been a lot of metephorical bad weather in my life.  Stress around kids, money, housing, and, last but not least, a dying parent.  Lots to deal with emotionally.  I remember that water is the element of emotion (the Cups in the Tarot deck) and the the mushrooms' reaction to the pouring rain reminds me that all this emotional storm is teaching me a valuable lesson. 

What I'm learning is how to be big enough to enjoy my life in the midst of my anxiety; to embrace the trouble and open my umbrella wide: not to protect myself, but to have a larger surface to recieve what solutions might come.  I remind myself that all I have is this moment, and that change is inevitable, and that what seems unendurable now will pass. 

Until then, I'm learning not to just weather the storm, but have to fun with it. I can put on a raincoat and some wellies, splash around in the puddles, and get creative with what's at hand. This new attitude helps me trust myself.  As I behave in positive ways, I develop a positive attitude: positive enough to know that I CAN grow large enough, quickly enough, to hold the enevitable flux and flow of my life until the sun shines again. In the meantime, I'm singing in the rain! 

Love, Kristine

Writing Rights and Wrongs

A friend who helps older folks organize their thoughts told me that in order for people my age (ahem) to remember a date or appointment, they must "make a memory".  What she meant is that you need to actually write down what you want to remember.  Those of you who live and die by lists and appointment books, feel vindicated!  Your choice to schedule will help you keep your life in order as you grow older.  Those of us who are "sure we'll remember" names, dates, and serial numbers might want to start writing stuff down.  The odds are that we won't remember, especially as we age.

Writing something down is really important.  I've had life coaches who encouraged me to write down lists of what was happening in my life.  One insisted that I write down all the bad stuff I was thinking first thing in the morning.  She said it was a way to get rid of the negativity and start the day fresh.  Another said not to focus on the bad stuff, but write down all the good things you can think of about people and situations in your life including your dreams and goals.

It felt terrible to write down the bad stuff, and sometimes I was so stuck in negativity that I couldn't think of any good stuff to write.  It was a problem.  Then I found this little guy lying in a parking lot.

This cheerful green pup--green being the fourth chakra color of healing--is an eraser.  He gave me an idea that solved my problem, and here it is: I write down the all bad stuff in pencil just to get it out of my system. Then I read what I've written.  Sentence by sentence, I erase the bad stuff and write down what I want to see instead over it in ink! 

This little technique works great!  I'm able to work through the negativity, and by acknowledging and accepting it, see what I'm wanting instead a lot more clearly.  Plus, when I then write down the opposite aspects of the negative thought, I begin to feel a whole lot better: more hopeful, more powerful, and more in control of my emotional landscape. In a subtle way, I think this technique is helping me to change my habitual, mildly pesimistic approach to life by bringing awareness to my thought processes and how they effect my energy.

Somehow, just by doing this little technique first thing in the morning, I'm noticing that I'm feeling generally happier and a lot more optomistic. I may not be making memories, but I sincerely believe I'm making a more joyful life.

Love, Kristine

Life Outside the pocket

After graduating from college, where he shone as an actor, our boy is making his way in the big world performing in fringe theater and auditioning for traditional gigs that actually pay him a wage. Student loans (DAMN our system of higher education!) and medical expenses are eating up his day job wages, and taking time off work to go to auditions make his take-home pay barely subsistent. It's starving artist time.

Yesterday he had his 2nd call back for several parts in the local Shakespeare Companies’ two traveling shows. His high hopes dimmed a bit when he saw the crowded waiting room. They dimmed even more when he was asked in to try for only three of the five roles offered. Now he has to wait a few more days to see if they chose him, and he's concerned that they might not.

This same day he received a call from the hospital where he had emergency surgery late last year. The insurance paid for less than half of his bill leaving him holding the bag for a sizable fee (DAMN our system of health care!). Now his love of acting was not the only motivating factor in snagging a role. He really needed this job. Talking to him later, I felt his frustration and anxiety and wanted so desperately to lend him a hand; yet there was nothing I could do. He was going to have to weather these disappointments and rise to these challenges on his own.

I recalled this little fellow I found on the sidewalk last week.  Tossed on the path he was lost and all alone in the world. I know he’s just a doll, but he looked so fragile and helpless lying there. I put him right in my pocket where he was warm and safe. Later, going through my pockets before I did my washing, I found him again. He had spent a very safe week, but he hadn’t done what a doll is supposed to do--enrich a child’s imaginary world.

I often wish to keep my children safe from harm, to hold them in my pocket where nothing will ever hurt them. Yet nothing hurts a human being more than not being allowed to live fully, or being too afraid to live the life they’re designed to live. Every life includes the ups and downs of gain and losses, and big dreams have big downsides. However, the journey is worth it. It’s what we’re here for.

The catcher of the Giants, after they won the World Series, was asked about the stress he must have been feeling during the games. He said that it was definitely a stressful situation, but it was the WORLD SERIES. He could be home avoiding the stress, or he could be playing his heart out doing what he loved on the national stage. Where else would he rather be? To him, that was a no brainer.

If you have a choice, and most of us do, choose living a life you love. It might take courage, it might be challenging and hard as opposed to the comparative safety and security of life in a pocket; but the rewards! Oh, the rewards of a life well-lived are worth it. Play your heart out, do what you love, and regret nothing; because living your own authentic life enriches and inspires all of us.  Besides, what else would you rather do?

Love, Kristine

P.S. I'm giving this little toy to the kids up the street. Time for him to get back in action!

Dawn Drama, Dawning Awareness, & the Rolling Stones

Yesterday morning the phone rang. It was one of those early morning calls that freeze the blood, especially if you have, like I do, a mom in frail health. I struggled to find the phone in the dark and push the right button to answer it. Hoping for a wrong number, I was startled instead to hear the voice of my oldest boy.


I had listened to him getting ready for work far earlier this morning; up at five to be on time for his construction job. As he roared off in his car, I blessed his journey and went back to sleep. Now, here he was not much above an hour later, on the phone. He was calling from the bathroom floor of the warehouse. He had blacked out and was now experiencing vertigo. Would I pick him up and take him to the hospital? Of course!

Sleep was thrown off, clothing was thrown on, maps were quested, coffee was ordered, and my husband and I were out the door and on our way. Rush hour traffic impeded our progress, and another hour went by before we had him in the car and on the way to the hospital.

Strangely, despite the drama of the situation, I had the prevailing sense that somehow this event was going to answer an unasked question. At once I felt a deep (and unusual) calm as we made our way through the darkness towards our ailing son. Sure enough, his eventual diagnoses explained some heretofore unexplainable symptoms he had manifested as a teenager, and the treatment given for his dizziness would solve the other problem as well.

The long and short of this story is that I’m learning to trust what happens. What seems like scary circumstances can often be the setup for solving deep-seated problems. The willingness to believe in a generous universe is all it takes to move us from uncertainty into confidence; that and the clear intention to see yourself as a powerful creator in your life rather than a victim of circumstance.

Or, as the Rolling Stones put it “You can’t always get what you want/but if you try some time/you just might find/you get what you need”.

Love, Kristine

Thinking Outside of the Bag

I was amused to find this tiny tag on my path one morning. I was out on a trail that overlooks a wilderness area, and what a caution tag was doing all the way out there I don't know, but, of  course, I took it as a sign.

I remember the old hippy question "What's your bag?" At the time, it seemed to mean your interest or way of life: "My bag's music", or "I'm a vegetarian". Now I see a different meaning. I think of our bags as holding our learned and patterned way of doing things. They feel secure, especially in times of stress. We can pull the sides of our bag over our ears and hide ourselves in it when need be, and when times get really tough we can find a proscribed way of handling our emotions in our "bag of tricks".

The impending death of someone we love is one of those really tough times.

We become like children in the face of death. Our dying parent is abandoning us. Deep buttons are pushed. Our emotions, tricky and hard to handle, inspire us to reach into our bag to dig up a patterned response that helps us feel better, but so often we come up empty.

There is truly no "correct" way to be, or prepare for, this major event. It's a confusing and perplexing time, and definitely a time to think "outside of the bag". Our authentic responses are the ones that will ultimately give us the most comfort. No matter what choices we make, to be there for the death, or not; to return quickly back to our lives, or not; to mourn or not, only we know how we feel, and what's in our hearts, and what's, ultimately, the correct thing for us to do.

Like children, we want support for our responses, but keep that bag far away from your inner child. Only more unhappiness lies there. Like the dying parent, we have to handle death alone. Feel the pain and truth of your emotion, and then do what you need to do to help yourself feel better.

Don't dig around in your bag of history to find an appropriate and socially acceptable response. If you do this, you'll smother your authentic emotional reaction. Of all times you will face, this is the time when honoring who you authentically are and what you actually do is especially important, even if it feels all wrong or looks all wrong to those round you.

Don't be afraid.  Courage of your convictions is what's required here.  Disregard any one's opinion but your own, because you will survive the transition so much more ably if you allow yourself the freedom to be completely yourself.

Don't judge yourself no matter what you do, or be anothers judge and jury. Judgement has no place in death and will not help you through it. Only love and trust, for yourself, for others, and for the process of death itself will soothe your aching heart. 

Throw your bag away and find your center.  Peace lies there.

Love, Kristine

Learning to flow

This has been a very challenging time for us all.  The economy, the infrastructure, the schools, the government, all of it seems fractured.  So much has changed, and it doesn't feel like change for the better.

I remember being afraid of change when I was small.  I wanted to always live with my mom and dad in my home, have the same friends, and be the same age forever. Some of those immature fears still linger especially in uncertain times like these when things are so bad it's hard to imagine an abundant future. . . and yet there is something about all this that seems "right" in an odd way, perhaps because it's time for the "old way" to die.

It's hard to acknowledge that, because it can be painful to watch our old life and habitual ways of being disappearing.  It's like the death of a parent.  We remember their better times, and can't seem to face their aging.  The house that was once so clean and such a source of pride is dusty and messy.  The clothing so immaculate is spotted with food.  Incontinence forces our dignified parents into diapers. We watch with sadness, helplessness, and sometimes anger as the independent folks we knew disappear and are replaced by these weak, helpless and ailing adult babies who don't remember who we are.

When we hang onto anything, it creates stress and suffering.  Hanging on to what once was not only stops the flow of life but keeps us from receiving whatever's coming.  We know we can't hang on to our parents, we can't stop their inevitable demise.  It's the same with the social changes life is throwing at us now.  It seems so normal to freak out, but how much easier it would be, how much more peaceful and calm we would feel if we could just watch and experience these changes with wonder and grace, fully accepting what is.

 

Life moves like a river, sometimes fast and sometimes slow.  Sometimes the water is shallow and full of rocks and sometimes it's deep, and lazy. On those slow, rich, sunny passages we can be lulled into a feeling that nothing will ever change, and then, around the bend, a waterfall. 

There is an art to riding the river.  Let go of the oars.  Whahoo!

Watch what comes, watch what goes, and don't get attached to anything.  Find joy in the act of living itself.  Appreciate the variety.  After all, nothing ever stays the same. Change is the only constant.

There is one thing I hold onto when the current gets too turbulent: the river of life will always carry you where ever you need to be. Relax and let the river take you home.

Love,

Kristine

Getting the Green Light

Driving with my daughter the other day, we approached an intersection with a green light in our direction.  I started to slow down.  My daughter asked me why I was slowing for a green light.  "Oh", I said, "I never get a green light at this intersection."  At that moment, it turned yellow and I slowed to a stop as the red came up.  "Funny, said my daughter "I get a green light here all the time."
The next few times I came to this intersection with her in the passenger seat, I got green lights.  "Wow!" I said, "You're my green light karma girl."
"Nope", she said, "I simply planted the idea in your head that a green light was possible here.  You went from always expecting red to allowing the possibility of a green.  That's what changed your luck."
Pretty smart kid.
How often we forbid the arrival of something good in our lives by our not allowing the possibility of it!  I hadn't looked at it quite this way before, but it makes sense.  If we don't believe something will happen, it probably won't.  The message from the universe?  Don't stop believing, even in the unbelievable!--Love, Kristine

Betting on Yourself

I asked for a little advice from the Universe today.  It went kind of like this: "Give me a sign, please, that I'm doing OK!  I'm feeling a little insecure, and I'd like some support!  It's been a while since I asked, and I'd like a SIGN."

Preceeding up the path, I found this poker chip.  What on earth did this mean?  A few heartbeats later, I got it.  The Universe was telling me to bet on myself.  I realized that, like most of us, I was not holding up my end of this life conversation.  By this I mean that I was not fully realized as a unique and capable human being.  I was relying too much on outer circumstance to decide for me how I was going to live.  I wasn't actively creating the life I wanted.

How do we create the life we want? I think we create the life we want by living it.  If we don't have it for real, we can start dreaming about it.  We can visualize the life we'd love, and see what shows up in response. In order for what we want to start coming to us, we have to take ourselves seriously.  We have to believe in the way we live, our uniqueness, our openness to flow with what's happening, and our certainty that we have our own legitimate and important place in this world.  Our purpose is to be ourselves, as completely and fully as we can.  We are the manifestation of Universal energy.  Like snowflakes, our way of being is different from everybody elses. That's the point.  We're here to celebrate our variety and treasure our differences. That way, we become as we're meant to be: an expression of Universal creativity.

We can't be like anyone else, no matter how hard we try, so why try? It's the many beautiful voices that enrich a choir, the many colors that make a painting vivid.  Be proud of who you really are.  Bet on the self that came into this world to be whole, vibrant, and free.  If we all do this, the world will experience a rebirth of creativity and vitality unlike any other.

The stronger you are, the more you you can be, the more value you have for the rest of us.  We can depend upon you, because you are no longer an egoic shadow of yourself.  You are fully realized and strong.  As Rumi Says: "I honor those who try to rid themselves of lying, who empty the self and have only clear being there."

The self keeps you stuck in ego.  Clear being is the light within you that guides you all the way along.  You can bet on it.

Love, Kristine

Staying cool when things get hot.

These are troubled times, and we often hope for some leader to show us the way.  When they do, it's quite possible that the way they're pointing is the wrong direction for us.  That's when we realize that the true path forward is found in our hearts.  That's our King of Wands moment; the time when we need to look within to discover how we can live a life of authenticity and truth.

As another tarot reader on line states (most perfectly) about the King of Wands:

"An inner spiritual change is often heralded when this card appears. The King of Wands invites us to act as he would to solve our problems. His vision is one of ideal reality, and his vision is that humanity might always be better than it is. He is the warrior of light who stands up for something that matters, and his appearance is an invitation for you to do so as well. If there is a cause you wish to support, but you are unsure of your position, you may proceed with the knowledge that your base of power is strong. Enjoy the King's power and authority, but be sure to use it for productive means. Take your responsibilities seriously, think of new ways to do things, and never stop believing in yourself".

The King of Wands is surrounded by Salamanders.  Like the phoenix, the salamander is thought to be renewed or impervious to fire.  In other words, when a situation is too hot to handle, the King of Wands, and his little buddy, the salamander, represent enduring faith, or courage, that cannot be destroyed.

Believing in yourself, having faith in who you are meant to be, takes courage.  So often we think that we need validation from others in order to know whether or not we're doing the "right thing".  It's true that an "atta boy" or "atta girl" are sweet to hear, so sweet that we often become addicted to the approval of others.  However you know deep down that if you're not feeling inherently good about yourself, someone else's praise is just empty calories for a hungry soul.

How do we believe in ourselves when others tell us that our choices are flawed?  It takes practice, patience, and the ability to be mentally still.  It's very hard to quiet our thoughts when our monkey minds pull up the million and one things we need to attend to each day, but try to let that go.  Now, when you're clear and quiet, think, "What would I like to do today?"  Something will float up.  It could be anything from "go to the beach" to "work on that project I've been putting off." 

DON"T REJECT YOUR FIRST THOUGHT, NO MATTER HOW RIDICULOUS OR INCONVENIENT YOU THINK IT IS.  Instead, simply do it.  Too busy to go to the beach? Too nice a day to work on that project?  Too bad. You're guidance is telling you the best thing for you to do at that moment.  Trust it.  Do it.  Learn to follow your heart.  When you do that, you'll be amazed at how your life will change!  When you're in the flow of life, you're working with, not in opposition to the life you're meant to lead.  Enjoy it and enjoy yourself.

Love, Kristine

Want a Happier Future? Imagine That!

The owners of a house on my block are gradually divesting themselves of years of accumulated stuff. It’s quite charming what they do. They leave their grown-and-gone kid’s toys out by a plant in front of their yard.


When I first discovered these treasures, I thought some neighborhood kids must have left them there. After several weeks went by, I realized they were give-aways so I picked them up and took them home. The next day, another small toy showed up.

Toys don’t show up every day. Sometimes months go by without any little offerings under the magic hedge. I always give the neighborhood kids time to claim them, but no one ever does. It surprises me. As a (formerly) imaginative kid, I would have been eager to acquire these tiny toys all the while composing a story about neighborhood fairies leaving special treats just for me.

Anyway, I spotted another trinket last week. After subsequent days of neglect, I rescued this basket of tiny bunnies. As I carried them away, I thought of what rabbits are famous for: multiplication. That reminded me of the old biblical passage “cast your bread upon the waters and it will return to you sevenfold”. I had to ask myself what thoughts are multiplying in my life.

I’ve been feeling the pressure of the economy, the oil spill, the plastic island of junk in the Pacific Ocean, and realized that my offerings have all been about worry and fear. I don’t have to tell you that when you focus on what is going wrong it can really spoil your day. I decided to do something radical: Ignore reality.

We often use the life we’re living to predict a probable future, but if our perspective is dark, what chance does our future have of being bright? Why don’t I imagine for myself a happy future? After all, the future is never a sure thing, and when I focus on dreams of a brighter life, it makes my present moment feel a whole lot better. Maybe by casting positive ideas on the waters of my life, a happier future will return to me.

One thing’s for sure. Hope feels so much better than fear, and there’s nothing better than feeling good. Want to multiply what’s good in your life? All you have to do is think about it.

Love, Kristine

Cleaning out your Spiritual Closet

Have you ever attended a talk by an inspiring speaker or a wonderfully uplifting seminar, feel different at the end of it, and then come home, and revert right back to the miserable way you felt before the so-called life changing event? Except worse? Who did you blame for the regression? Your S.I? The behaviour of your kids? Your job? Your home?  Do you realize that you are feeling the discomfort of coming face to face with who you once were and who you are now?  How do you maintain the good feeling of positive change while surrounded by situations that feel so bad? Do you have to get a divorce, quit your job, disown your kids, or move?

Nothing so draconian needs to happen. All you need to do is realize you have choice. You can decide to choose to feel good despite every excuse in the world to feel bad. Acceptance is key in choosing to feel good, and acceptance means honoring your past choices.  After all, it's those contrasts in your life that motivated your desire to change in the first place.

Best of all, and ironically enough, when you settle into accepting all your past "mistakes", you inspire changes in your world. As you become more tolerant, you find that people who used to irritate you are easier to get along with. As you approach your work and family life with more patience and acceptance, you'll discover more about each of them to enjoy.

A good speaker or seminar inspire in you those good feelings because they remind you of your true and essential nature. You really are the tolerant, patient, accepting, loving and compassionate person you want to be, despite certain personal patterns of thought and behavior that can hide these finer qualities.

We think that changing who we are is like cleaning out all the old clothes from our closet. The qualities we seek are already in our spiritual closet, and they fit us perfectly (and very becoming they are too!) Believe it or not, you'll see that they go quite well with all the other aspects of yourself because the new you is a natural part of the old.

You don't have to eliminate what you were to become who you are. You are a work in progress. Choose to appreciate how far you've come. Anticipate more changes in the future. Enjoy your own path, since every beautiful step of it was carved out by you. You created both your need to change, and the change itself, and once you start appreciating the contrast between who you used to be and who you are, it's easier to move forward and become who you want to be.

Focusing on your regrets for past choices keep you stuck in the past.  Instead, enjoy your evolution.  It's truly a beautiful thing.

Love,
Kristine

LRG melts a tiny heart

Sitting in a restaurant's window seat enjoying a meal is a wonderful way to spend time. There's something about the anonymous viewing of folks going about their daily lives that satisfies the soul. Mostly, it's all about people being human; window shopping, walking arm and arm with a lover, talking to friends and running their errands. It's wonderful to notice that what goes on in the world is, for the most part, benign.

Often, when you live too much on a diet of newspapers and T.V. news, one gets the idea that the world in general is rife with violence. We forget that the reason an event becomes "news" is because it is unusual; just a blip in the radar of most peoples daily lives. Think about it. Newspapers would be hundreds of pages long if they told the true story of human life. FATHER TAKES BABY TO PLAYGROUND, MOM WORKS TWO JOBS TO PROVIDE FOR HER KIDS, TWO PEOPLE FELL IN LOVE TODAY--READ ALL ABOUT IT; we don't see headlines like these, and thank goodness. These things happen every day, millions of times. They're not unusual at all.

Back to the restaurant: I had my eye on a young man ambling down the street wearing a baseball cap placed on the side of his head and a black T-shirt with the word LRG on it. Based on what he was wearing, I formed an idea, I admit, about who he was. I pegged him as a defiant, self-involved person who wanted to appear tough.

Coming the other way was a man pushing a woman in a wheelchair. They were approaching the entrance to the restaurant as this young man neared it. The young man suddenly increased his pace, nearly running towards them to intercept their progress. Reaching the entrance a few seconds before they did, he reached out his arm and opened the door for them! Wow.

It was a small gesture, but so telling. I was ashamed of my judgements, and glad that I was wrong about this man. He was LRG all right, but not in the macho way I thought he wanted to be. He was LRG-hearted.

There is something about an unselfish and altruistic act that, when you witness it, feels so warming. How the heart longs for proof that human beings are good, that we live in a caring world, and that life is really wonderful. Our hearts freeze when we read about the brutality that does happen; but when we open our hearts to life as it is being lived all around us, letting go of our assumptions and judgements, we will see many examples of human kindness and compassion.

The Universe sent a very clear message to me today: Let your heart melt, and you will see the world as it truly is in all it's beauty and variety.  I'm going to heed it.
 
Love,
Kristine

Free Styling

Driving back from San Rafael and entering the freeway, I noticed the sign painted on the road: FREE WAY ONLY. My mind played a little trick, and I read it this way: ONLY WAY FREE.  It was momentarily amusing, and I thought nothing of it until another road sign caught my eye. It was "FREE WAY AHEAD". This time, I read it as it sat and began to ponder the concept of freedom. It wasn't until I found this little tag (tiny, so tiny, yet it drew my attention) that I gave the topic top billing for the blog.

Often we think of freedom in a physical sense, meaning freedom of motion, but lately I've been noticing where I mentally and emotionally give up my freedom in my daily life. I was carefully trained to be this way. After all, my mom's mantra was "what will the neighbor's think". The implication was that her love depended upon my winning the approval of friends, family, neighbors, and people I didn't even know. I thought everything I did was being evaluated and judged by others.  Not much freedom there.

The big problem is how can you know what someone else would approve of? You can't, of course, and since you can't, you're stuck. You can wait for cues, not speak unless someone else has voiced an opinion you can parrot, wear what everyone else is wearing, do what everyone else is doing, basically conform, conform, conform. Meanwhile the person you really are is smothered and shut down. You give yourself away until there's nothing left to hold onto of the person you came here to be.

I believe that our very presence on this earth means that the world needs us exactly as we are. Therefore, it's important that we find ourselves again and live our truth. It takes courage and self confidence, but it's essential for the health of the world as a whole for us to claim the freedom to be exactly who we are in every situation.

Like the old song says, "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine". So many of us hide our light under a bushels of shame, doubt and fear. Marianne Williams says that we are more afraid of our light than our darkness. That means letting our light shine makes us not only a beacon for others, but a hero in our own life.

We came here to live our lives purely and truly. Our uniqueness provides the world with the contrast that sparks creativity, the creativity that inspires us to work for a world where everyone can live purely and truly and in emotional, mental and physical freedom.

The ONLY WAY FREE is down the path the world has stretched out before us. If you have trouble finding your path, remember that it is the only one that feels essential to your happiness. Once you've found it, stay on it no matter what. Be a hero.  You won't be sorry.

Love, Kristine

On Being Clear-Hearted

Today, I found this heart at Point Isabel. As soon as I picked it up, I knew what I was going to write about on my blog: A clear-hearted acknowledgement of the value of our feelings.

Usually we hear about being clear-headed. It often means not allowing ourselves to be swayed by our emotions, as if our emotions muddy up the sparkling clear water of our intellect. My experience is that my head tends to muddy up issues more than my emotions. I don't know about you, but I can argue almost any side of an issue. I almost always rethink any position I take by addressing the other side of the issue and coming up with reasons why I should reverse my decision. Sometimes I can ponder an issue for weeks without coming to a clear-headed decision pro or con.

My heart, my gut, really, always seems to know the right choice for me. First I get an immediate feeling about the rightness or wrongness of any decision, then the war between my heart and my head begins. I want to defend the impulses my heart arrives at, but sometimes I can't. Often I have no idea why this or that choice feels right or wrong. Yet I think I need to know, prove myself right, somehow, with intellectual arguments supporting my choice that are rarely satisfying. I seem to think that  I'm in arbitration, that some judge is going to find me guilty or not guilty for making the choices I make.  Who's life is this, anyway?

Lately, I'm learning to be more clear-hearted, to just choose, and leave off with the justifications. The heart I found in the dirt of Point Isabel is a sign that makes even my head think I'm on the right track.  (Thank you Universe!  I can use the support.)

I once asked my Tai Chi Teacher, Starfire, how you tell whether you're following your head or your heart.
"Well", He said, "The mind changes, but the heart wants what it wants."

I think it's clear. Follow your heart. It saves time.
 
Love, Kristine

Butterflies are Free

Today on my walk I saw the wind move an object stuck to a post. I approached it to get a better look
and discovered a battered butterfly net.  I know that in many traditions, the butterfly symbolizes transition, turning as they do from caterpillar to butterfly, so I wondered why I was being shown the net.

Nets have been a big part of my last few weeks since the World Cup is at center stage in our household.  I love experiencing that rush of emotion when a team, after long displays of strategy and inspiration, finally gets that ball into the net.  And winning a game!  What a high for the triumphant and what a low for the losers, for both players and fans.

And then . . .and then life goes on. That trip to the mountain top that involved such an arduous climb is done.  The view is spectacular, but you can't stay there.  Back down the mountain you must go.  I apologize for mixing my metaphors here, but it's like catching a butterfly in the net.  After a lot of chasing we've finally got this thing of beauty and we want to preserve it.  Oddly enough, we do this by killing it, sticking a pin in it and putting it in a case. 

In the same way, we try to hold on to our peak experiences.  We save our trophies, letter sweaters, photos corsages and love notes.  They represent a time when we felt great.  We try to keep that time alive through our conversation and our collections, but we end up sucking the life out of them.  We can't keep reliving the wonders of our past with any authenticity.  Life does go on and so must we! 

Enjoy your butterfly moments.  Then let them go. The quicker you do this, the sooner you'll be ready for the next beautiful moment to flit by.

One Point, Soccer, and Everyday Aikido

I love soccer (futbol, I mean) and the World Cup is an event I make time for.  I actually love watching sports in general.  I like the feeling of being one with a whole bunch of other fans cheering a team on.  Win or lose, it's great to be part of something, however briefly, that is larger than oneself.  It's also great to see people who have worked so hard to be at the top of their game in action.  It's very inspiring.

So there I was watching two great teams playing their hearts out, and my mind kept telling me that I was wasting my time.  I was enjoying myself, and yet part of me wouldn't let me be "in the moment".  Two things occurred to me: First, my judgements were once again messing with my good times.  Second, I was not occupying the present moment fully.  My monkey mind ego was in full control.

I know myself, and part of what motivates me is the idea that I'll improve somehow if I follow a certain practice.  Yeah, yeah, we're already perfect.  My spiritual self knows this, but my mind isn't so sure and needs a path to follow that coaxes it to align more fully with spirit.  That's the main reason I'm interested in spiritual teachings and teachers.

Take Aikido for instance.  I loved the practice, and mostly because the physical challenges helped my body align more closely with spiritual knowing.  The concept of "One Point" for example.  It's presented as a physical reality, a point of balance about 2 inches below the belly button that, when you concentrate on it, helps you move with clarity and precision.  It may seem like a narrowing of focus, but when practiced mindfully, it helps you inhabit the present moment with more awareness.

Back to soccer: I realized that I was not inhabiting the watching of the soccer game fully.  I was being distracted from my futbol one point by judging the value of what I was doing.  I was, I realized, sacrificing present comfort and enjoyment by worrying about some future and unknowable potential discomfort.
 
With a jolt, it hit me.  Watching this soccer game through "one point", not being distracted by other thoughts and ideas as I watched, could actually be thought of as a spiritual practice.  It was Futbol Meditation!  What a great way to enjoy every part of life!  Make every moment a meditation.

BE in the moment.  If you're dancing, DANCE.  If you're eating, EAT! If you're watching, WATCH!. Don't let any moment pass by without giving it your full attention. Don't judge it, worry about it, compare it to other moments, or want some else to approve of what you're doing.  Just live your life moment to moment to precious moment with one-point of attention: what you're doing right now.
 
Ohm, amen and GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAL!

Love, Kristine

It's Only Castles Burning

I've been talking to friends and acquaintances, and what's on every one's mind is the oil spill.  One person put it quite eloquently.  She said it's like a black cloud on the emotions of the nation.  She, like many others, had lost her optimism about our country's resiliency.  Our ability to bounce back from this, occurring as it does right on the heels of the financial crisis, seems questionable.  Feeling helpless, we feel hopeless. In response,
I decided to pull a card to see it there is a message of hope in the Tarot.  I was certain there would be.  Universal energies are defined by their positive nature.  Sure enough, I got the Magician.

The Magician speaks to the power of the word, for good or ill.  On the table in front of him are the representations of all the cards in the deck: the cup (emotion), sword (intellect), staff (creative power), and pentacle (earth) are there to be used. The question the Magician asks is how will we use these tools?

The answer to that question is a matter of will and intention.  When we're stuck in the "reality" of  what is, and we speak only to and about that reality, we remain stuck.  Our emotions can't find release, our intellect keeps working on the problem, our creativity feels stifled, and the results of all this is more of what we don't want. We need to get out of this patterned thinking, use our will to break out and intention to point ourselves in the direction of more positive thought.

Carolyn Casey says that in times like these, we don't need reality, we need vision.  That's the idea that can turn things around.  We need to speak about our dreams; what we want our country to be and what we want for our children, ourselves and the world in the years to come.  When we do that, we're tapping into the power of our thoughts.  We free ourselves from "reality" and begin creating a new world with our words.  We are so powerful; more powerful than we know.  When we're using the tools available to us in the most positive and life affirming ways, our emotions feel more open and free, our mind soars, our creative power wakes up, and the earth itself changes in response to the new thoughts available.
 
We don't have to know how to solve a problem.  All we need to do is know what we want in its place and the universe will respond to our desire.  Envision clean air, clean water, a healthy and thriving world in balance and at peace.  Don't let the oil of doubt sully the pure and wild ocean of our intentions.  We've come through bad times before, and we can do it again.  Remember that, have faith in yourselves, and dream the world as you want it to be.  Before you know it, you'll be living there.

Love, Kristine

Rolling towards Peace

When I was practicing Aikido we focused on moving from our center.  To me that meant my body was over my feet, my posture was correct, and I was able to meet an "attack" fluidly without loosing my balance.  The physical aspects of moving from center were reasonably clear to me, and it was completely obvious when I lost my center:  Either I fell down, or couldn't meet an attack properly, or wasn't able to manage a turn or a throw without effort.  To recover my footing after losing my balance I practiced rolling.  That way when I fell down I could more easily regain my footing, re-center, and be ready for the next attack. 

Off the mat, this question arises: what do I do when I'm thrown mentally?

It happens to all of us.  Someone says something mean or rude, or offers an opinion that we don't like.  Our reactions to a mental attack are as varied as we are, but the end result is the same: we lose our center.  Sometimes it takes us just a few seconds to regain our presence, or peace, of mind, and we're back on an even keel again.  Sometimes it takes a few days to get over the insult, but if the attach is severe there is a chance that we might "lose ourselves", lose our center, for a very long time. 

When that happens, we become people who are constantly and chronically angry, defensive, grief-stricken or depressed.  In short, a little "unbalanced".  We mentally "fell down" when someone "attacked" us and, if we don't have the emotional skill it takes to recover, we remain, metaphorically, on the ground.  We can become accustomed to this unbalanced state, and it can even become a comfort zone of sorts for us.  That means we've lost the awareness of our center; the place where love, peace, and joy reside, because we're so used to being in a state of emotional discomfort we don't even realize that we're off balance.
 
So how do we recognize when we are off-center?  The biggest clue is that we blame others for our problems.  Sure, someone "did" something to us (we were attacked) and we reacted badly (we lost our center).  This is a valid response at the time of the affront, but if we continue to blame our attacker for the current problems in our lives, then we've given our power over to something outside of our essential selves.  When we do that, we're WAY off center.

As I said, the answer to a physical push that knocks us off center can be a roll that helps us regain our footing again, but how do we "roll" mentally and emotionally after an interpersonal attack knocks us for a loop?  Here's what I came up with. 

1. We begin by clearly stating what hurt:  "When someone yells at me I feel angry".
2. We define what we'd prefer: "I prefer a softer means of communication".
3. We outline why we have this preference: "When someone talks to me in a normal tone of voice, I can more easily hear what they have to say.  I can accept criticism more easily when offered gently.  I enjoy being with people who treat others kindly.  I'm a kind person myself, and enjoy being with others who are kind.  I love being in the company of people who treat each other with respect. I like to treat others respectfully and kindly."

As you continue to focus on what you like, you find yourself gradually feeling better.  You've successfully turned negative thinking upside down.  Your continued use of positive thought helps you roll your way toward conclusions that are more in alignment with who you truly are and thus right into your center.  Now, peace of mind, joy, and love are all within reach.  Congratulations.

Love, Kristine

The Warden Within

The other day I woke up feeling crummy.  Nothing too serious.  Nothing serious at all.  A slight headache, a bit of a queasy stomach, just a general malaise.  Ordinarily, I would push myself through the day figuring I would get over it.  This day I decided not to.  I decided to listen to my body's signals and take the day off.

 

All well and good.

Then my ego checked in.  Every decision I made turned into an argument: "me" versus "me".  My ego was fine with my message and email checking, but gave me trouble when I decided to push myself away from the computer and go lie down.  It did everything it could to create tension.  This background noise went everywhere with me.  It sounded something like this:

"you'renotreallysick,you'rejustbeinglazy,youreallyneedtogettowork, cleanthehouse,dothelaundry,walkthedog,plandinner,getup,watchingTVisawasteof time,readingthisbookisawasteoftime,getbacktoyourcomputer,etc,etc."

After a while, I just listened to it talk, and did what I wanted to do.  It wasn't easy, but I did it.

I was amazed at what a tyrant I was.  It seems that I really don't want myself to lift my nose off my own, personal grindstone.  Then I realize that the "striving me" is really the "ego me", and the relaxed and happy me wonders who I'm doing all the efforting for.  Who taught me to value drudgery so much?  Why do I make these voices so important? 

Sure, I know that times are tough, and I think that if I don't work hard I won't be able to, well, live like I want to live.  we are all told, in fact it's our cultural myth, that hard work is the key to our success, yet I know some pretty hard workers who are poor, and some pretty relaxed people who make tons of money. Even if you don't define "success" as having a ton's of money, let's say "spiritual growth" means success for you.  Yet even this desire can be just another way of judging ourselves and letting ourselves down.  No matter how much we want to be Buddah, we still lose our tempers and then beat ourselves up for not measuring up to the arbitrary standards we ourselves set.

Most importantly, living with all this tension is certainly not living the way I want to live. My desire to live up to an impossible ideal means that I'm making a more organic and peaceful life the dream of a distant future.

Do I have to be miserable and driven until then? What about NOW?

No matter where I am, vis-a-vie money, spiritual growth, happiness, health, I'm not going to be able to truly make the goals I set for myself (I.E. freedom and happiness) if I don't relax and accept where I am right now.  After all, the reason I want more money or spiritual peace is that I think it will make me happy.  Why don't I just short circut the whole striving thing and simply BE HAPPY.  

So I've made a decision.  I've decided that I'm no longer going to be the warden of my own self-imposed prison.  My ego is not going to rule my days, defining how hard I work and how valuable I am.  I'm going to set myself free from all the negative self-talk and just BE, when I can, and BE HAPPY when I can without waiting for arbitray goals to be fulfilled.  I can do it!  I know I can! Whoops, that's starting to sound like another, well, goal.  Hmmmm. 

I admit, despite my decision, the magic doesn't work all at once or all the time; but at least I know what I want (freedom) and when I want it (NOW).  I also notice that when I think about how I want to feel,the voices in my head aren't so dominent.  They sound more like this:

"you'renotreallysick,you'rejustbeinglazy,youreallyneedtogettowork, cleanthehouse,dothelaundry,walkthedog,plandinner,getup,watchingTVisawasteof time,readingthisbookisawasteoftime,getbacktoyourcomputer,etc,etc."

Phew.  Creating that is actually pretty easy.  All I have to do, really, is just think about how I want to feel.  Ahhh, that's more like it. That feels pretty good. Good enough.

Love, Kristine

An Apple for your Thoughts

Walking at Selby Regional Park today in the hills above Oakland I noticed signs warning against rattlesnakes.  I've never been a reptile lover, and poisonous reptiles are not ones I'd like to meet on the trail.  However, my discomfort around snakes has encouraged me to find out more about them so I could form a healthier relationship with them.  I want to stop being afraid of the world around me. 

A while ago I got together with four other similarly fearful women to spend some quality time with a boa constrictor.  The snake's handler pulled it out of it's container and arranged it across our laps.  It was pretty intense.  We let it explore us, and we explored it.  Energetically, it felt very different from the usual lap pet, kind of alien and unfamiliar.  As she moved across us her power, potential, and chi was self-evident.  We were in awe of it, and found ourselves, at the very least, on the path to healing our snake phobia after that encounter.

I thought about why snakes bring up such fears in so many of us. I know that in older cultures, snakes were revered and honored.  Perhaps it began with the Old Testament tale of Adam and Eve, where the devil in the form of the snake tempts Eve to taste the fruit of the tree on knowledge.  (She, in turn, gives a piece to Adam, and thus was sexism born, but that's another story.) 

Eating the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge allowed Adam and Eve to know the difference between good and evil.  I wondered what was so wrong about that.  Then it came to me that the act of eating the fruit was the thing that separated them from God (he drove them from the garden).  At first, I thought it was because they had disobeyed God's law.  Now I think differently.

I think that what separates us from god, from heaven on earth, from our enlightened knowing, is our judgements.  After all, what is judgement but thinking you know the difference between good and evil, right and wrong.  When you look at life with judging eyes when things measure up, you're happy.  When they don't, you're not.  When people measure up, they're "good" people.  When they don't, they aren't. 

I don't think God, Spirit, all-that-is, sees the world so narrowly. I think that the world and all things in it, through the eyes of  beings like Christ, Buddha, and the Dali Lama, is perfect.  It's our judegments that create distinctions in value, and distinctions in value create dissatisfaction, unhappiness, greed, anger, and pain.  Our judgements create hell on earth.

To create heaven on earth, we must learn to take the high road.  When we do we are more able to have a broader perspective, which increases our ability to view all things we see with love, compassion and understanding.

Even and including snakes.

Love,
Kristine

Parking Anxiety, the Ego, and Me

I went a bit crazy on my trip to Seattle.  I was expecting a little personal turmoil.  The trip was rife with potential emotional overtones. My son was graduating from college, and I had planned to stay several extra days to care for him since the Monday after the Saturday ceremony he was having an operation on his knee.  Did I worry about the stress around either of these events?  NO. 

I worried about parking a car. I'm not kidding.  Here's what happened. 

Our boy's girlfriend was off on a trip to Europe, so her apartment was available for my use during my stay.  It was a lovely place to be; a jewel box of an apartment filled with beautiful pieces of art, inspirational poetry, and great literature ( I got some good reading done) and only a ten minute walk to my boy's place. 

The only problem with this solution was where to put my rental car. Parking in Seattle is insane.  My boy's girlfriend had a permit on her car allowing her to park on the street without being ticketed.  She also had a spot in her building's parking garage.  She told me to take her car out and park it on the street, and put my rental car in her spot in the garage.  This girl is an angel.

 

The problem?  Her car is huge and the spot is small. I could barely get the rental into it. Fitting her car into it, even though I knew she did it all the time, looked to me like trying to squeeze a EEE foot into a size 6 pump. This picture is the closest I could find to how difficult I imagined it to be. Now, I'm a pretty good driver, and have parallel parked on the steep hills in the streets of San Francisco, but for some reason, this task filled me with white-hot fear.  I wasted nights of good sleeping time trying to figure out how in the world I was going to park that car.  See what I mean?  Crazy.

Anyway, and not surprisingly, all went very well; but it disturbed me to be so affected by the potential of trouble.  It  took me right out of the moment and into a horrible parking revere.  These bouts of anxiety struck me as one of my common  and very annoying thought patterns, and I wondered how I could avoid this incredibly powerful anxiety energy in the future. 

I decided to take the problem to my network chiropractor, Lisa Hartnett. I'll sum up here what she told me. 
She said I was taking the whole thing too personally.  The "I" that was going crazy and being anxious is not who I truly am. All that negative energy patterning is my ego.  The "I" that I truly am is never crazy, never anxious, and never worried.  The true being that I am, that we all are, is our untroubled, happy-to-be alive, eager-to-experience-the-contrast, blithe and powerful Universal selves.

Lisa pointed out that I was lucky.  Now I knew very clearly how to tell the difference between messages from the ego and messages from the Universe.  Ego messages will cause discomfort.  Every time.  (Even praise, that flatters the ego, carries with it the desire for more approval and the flip-side fear of its loss).

Universal messages are always ones of joy, connection, peace, empowerment, and love. Heed those messages and wherever you are is heaven on earth, even a dark Seattle garage.

Love, Kristine

The Wisdom of Resting

Three days to go before we fly off to Seattle to see our youngest graduate from college.  The time has gone by in a flash.  I feel like I just kissed our freshman goodbye at the school steps and now he's graduating.

Because of his recent injury (torn meningus, detached ligment to the patella) he's going to be going to be receiving his diploma on crutches.  These few days he's negotiated insurance, transportation, and medical buerocracy.  I helped out long-distance, and didn't realize that, with his injury and the hectic nature of getting ready for our trip,  I was stressed out. I was ignoring every signal. 

This morning I got some really good advice from the Universe.  The first came through in this great book I'm reading called You Are the Answer by Michael J. Tamura.  Here's what I read:

"We begin to live for the sake of fulfilling our assumed responsibilities and obligations to everyone else in our world rather than for fulfilling our purpose in life".

I thought to myself, as I was busily organizing my daily to-do list, that that was a very interesting statement, and that I'd look into when I wasn't so busy.  Maybe I'd think about it on the plane . . .

Then I pulled my daily Abraham card and goddess amulet (completely at random) to see what guidence I should keep in mind as the day went by.  Here's what I got.  See the resting ladies? 

Not only that, the Angel card I pulled was "Obedience".  Did I listen?  No, I did not.  I am so sorry I didn't.  Sure, I got what I needed to do done, including writing this blog, but I've got a splitting headache for my trouble, a sure sign that I'm out of balance and some recharging is just what I need.  I promise that tomorrow . . .wait, you know what?  I'm not going to put it off another moment.  I think I'm going to get some rest right now.

Much Love,
Kristine

Trusting Life

I was enjoying a beautiful spring afternoon in the Bay Area.  The weather was delicious enough to host my monthly tea group at the table in my garden.  We were having a delightful conversation when my husband came downstairs to tell me that my youngest boy had injured himself. A cloud came over the sun.

My guests, all being mothers themselves, knew that I was no longer "at" the tea, and that my heart and mind were with my boy.  They graciously excused themselves, and I raced to the phone. I needed to find out right that minute what happened to him, how he was, and what I could do to help. 

We'll be seeing him next week.  We're heading for Seattle to attend his graduation from Cornish College of the Arts. We organized our trip to also catch a performance of the play he's been in for the last three months; A Midsummer Night's Dream with the Seattle Shakespeare Company. 

He's been loving this play, the company, and his part. Reports of standing ovations and nuanced and bawdy performances tickled our ears and warmed our souls.  It was his first professional gig, he was doing great, and we were proudly and eagerly looking forward to our place in the audience.

I dialed his number and heard his voice.  He had been having trouble with his knee, but didn't think it was too serious until right in the middle of the play. He made an overenthusiastic gesture and felt a wrenching pain.  Well, the show must go on, so he limped through the rest of the play hiding his injury as best he could. Now he was in the emergency room, and from the looks of his knee, this was going to be his last performance of Midsummer Night's Dream.

Ahh, the woulda/coulda/shoulda song started.  If we had know this was going to happen, we would've changed our plans.  We should've gone to see the play earlier.  If we had left for Seattle even a week earlier and planned a longer trip, we could've seen the play.  Woulda/coulda/shoulda will drive you mad! None of that was going to help our boy. But what was?

This question inspired wild plans of action.  Thoughts of driving 14 hours straight to get to him, of flying to Seattle earlier to help out, of recruiting local friends for support . . .we longed for something to do to help. 
But who, really, would we be helping?

Well, we'd be helping us to deal with our feelings of disappointment and helplessness, and to have a bold story to tell when it was all over.

What we truly needed to be was just an audience for what was happening to him. The drama of his own life was in his hands, and only he could deal with it.  He had insurance, had found a hospital, got the pain meds, and was going to be all right. Plus, he had built up a network of friends to support him and colleagues he could count on to help him do whatever was needed.

We were learning to be patient, stand back and watch it unfold. As we watched, we saw he was in the best hands possible: his own. In our latest phone call with him, he had this to say about his experience with disappointment and pain:  "Mom, I learned how loved I am."

What a great lesson to learn. 

Life has such interesting ways of teaching us what we need to know.

Love,
Kristine

The Wisdom of Letting Go: Mothers & Children

Let it all go.  Everything.  Make a decision that nothing you have matters. Remember that old saw, "!f you love something, set it free"?  It's time to do just that.

I did my own little experiment in letting go just the other day to see what would happen. I was driving with my husband, and noticed that I was thinking about my children and their various problems.  I was not focused on what I was doing.  My life, at that moment and so many others, was not mine.  It was theirs.
 
It's not their fault.  I chose to focus on their needs and priorities above my own from the moment they were born. As my kids grew, I prepared a path before them as best I could.  I used words and actions to help smooth their way.  Despite my efforts, if they stumbled or faced the inevitable difficulty, I was there to kiss their pain away and ease their hearts.  Well and good when they were two, but when they're twenty-two it's a different story. I had formed this habit when they were little, but for my sake and theirs, it was time to break it.  

I imagined how I would feel if my husband and I had had no children. Immediately I felt freer and more expansive, as if life had more possibilities and I had more choice. 

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret having kids at all.  Being a mom has been wonderful.  I've become stronger, more patient, and more in touch with the areas in my psyche and soul that needed healing.  Motherhood has truly inspired personal growth in so many areas, and I'm in awe of all my children have given me and how enriching their presence is in my life. They are wonderful people.

It's just that now realize that all my attempts to manage my children's experiences are meant to make ME feel better, not them.  First, I was using them a an excuse to get out of living my life.  After all, how could I focus on my life when I was so busy trying to live theirs. Second, if I could make everything all right with them, I imagined I could be free from worry and doubt.  In short, I was a prisoner of my insecurities, and so were they. I decided it was time for all of us to be set free.

Here is my pledge:

"To the best of my ability, I solemnly swear to the Sacred Mother that I will be for you, my children, as She is for all of us: a loving presence who let's us live our lives the way we choose. With a deep knowing in my heart, I surrender to the truth that no matter what occurs, all is truly well.  I will let life guide you to your proper path and I will, to the best of my ability, butt out!"

Go and live your lives.  I will love you, let you go, and, finally, learn to live mine.  I think it's about time.

Love, Kristine

Perspective

It's been a tough couple of weeks.  Despite all the self-cheer leading I've been doing, I was walking around with a cloud over my head.  Talking with a friend the other day, I discovered that she, too, was feeling trapped and hopeless.  This echoed what I was feeling, and it occurred to me that we we're probably both approaching a substantial change in our lives. That was good news.

I thought about snakes who shed their skins to accommodate their new growth.  Perhaps we, too, are engaged in that: a period of shedding old habits to accommodate a fresh, new approach. It's a slow and uncomfortable process, but that idea made me feel more content. So often I forget that life is, essentially, a process of change.  Learning to flow from one phase to another smoothly is what I'd like to do; that and remember that sooner or later all things, even the most stuck and trapped feelings, pass.

It was hard work getting to this point, but the Universe was very kind, leading me step by step until I figured it all out. 

At first, I really wanted to find an inspiring message providing guidence and a ray of sunshine on the street like I had so often in the past.  Nothing showed up.  After several days, I became despondent.  Was the Universe ignoring me? Then it struck me!  Of course not, but in the process of looking for a "sign", I wasn't seeing  the staggering beauty and abundance that is truly always part of our everyday experience. 

Heartened, I started focusing on just that.  I practiced being grateful and appreciative for what I have.  As my appreciation for my life grew, tangible gifts started showing up, like this little heart:

Still, incidents that were disappointing and irritating disrupted my new-found tranquility, and I'd slip back into negativity.  It was frustrating to feel so good one day, then feel bad the next. 

And it was humorous to see how quickly I forgot the big lesson about the nature of life; the inevitability of change. Once again, I felt like I'd be stuck inside this emotional seesaw forever.   

Then I found this:

This little green plane reminded me of vacations!  Clearly I needed one.  There's nothing like a trip to help me get out of any rut I'm in.  Then I thought about what vacations do, and especially what planes do: They help you see your life from a whole new perspective. That's exactly the information I needed, and I knew that I could step back from my life without leaving town. 

Because I realized I was taking it all too seriously. 

Sometimes we do that.  We get so immersed in a certain way of seeing ourselves that we often miss how the myriad shifts of this glorious river of life lead us over the rapids, around a bend, and right into a refreshing new perspective. 

It's easy to appreciate feeling good, but I thought I needed to feel good all the time in order to be more "spiritually evolved".  I learned that isn't so, that I need to appreciated and accept even my bad moods. After all, if I didn't experience my stuck and negative feelings, I wouldn't have been led to this important shift in perspective: that we need not judge any of it, the good, the bad, or even the ugly. 

We never know what will lead us into the light. Sometimes it's our darkness. 

Love, Kristine

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