I used to think that transforming myself meant becoming "better". After all, I'm certainly not perfect. I have lots of flaws that I'd like to eliminate from my character. I've been to many teachers, healers, coaches, martial art's masters, etc., and each one has been pivotal in helping me become more of the person I want to be. I've found their lessons and teachings useful, and they all served to open my eyes to a whole new world of ideas and concepts that led me closer and closer to feeling more fully myself.
Another thought came to me the other day, and that is:
Is it possible that I am, already, what I'm supposed to be?
Yep, that's right. Flaws and all, am I already the person I'm wanting to be.
It sounds so strange when I put it like that. I was watching the tube the other day. A video, I think it was. A trailor for some movie or another about kids becoming artists, and one of the teachers said something like: "the thing you try to hide is the source of your power".
That stopped me in my tracks. He wasn't asking them to take the thing they were ashamed of and eliminate it. He was asking them to embrace it. He was telling them that it was an essential part of their nature, so essential that they would become more than they are now by acknowledging and accepting what they thought of as their darkness.
It seems to me that we're taught not to embrace our whole selves. Really no "maybe" about it. We're heavily encouraged to be "normal" but normal may not be natural to us. Despite this, we get sucked into thinking that there really is a good or bad, light or dark,way of being, and therefore we'd better be good for goodness sake.
Now, I'm not saying that killers and, well, that sort of negativity is OK. What I think I'm saying, and this isn't a fully formed idea yet, but what I think I'm saying is that perhaps really negative behavior is a toxic mimic (as Carolyn Casey would say) of a natural behaviour that was shamed or suppressed by the experience of growing up in this crazy culture.
After all this training and imprinting, how do we discover our true selves?
The question we should be asking ourselves is not what behaviour is right or wrong, but what behaviour intrinsically, beautifully and naturally expresses ourselves.
It seems to me that it takes some courage to look at and find our unique selves. Uniqueness is scary and discouraged in this conservative world. However, I think our uniqueness is our GIFT! Not only that, I think our uniqueness is essential to our survival as a species.
It's like we're a part of this body of humanity. Each of us is a cell in the structure of this body, and each of us brings something slightly different to this human experience. Extending the metaphore just a bit, if too many of only one type of cell is present in the body, isn't that a definition of cancer? Isn't it, therefore, vital, to be a bit different one from another, to have the courage to be ourselves so that the body of humanity can be vitalized and rejuvinated and made healthy by our unique presense?
It's something that I'm going to continue pondering.
In the meantime, I wish you all courage in the discovery of yourselves, and in the doing of this vital work, I wish you all a fulfilling, creative, and happy new year!
Love,
Kristine
