Yesterday my sister told me about the recent deaths of two young people who were close friends of her son. She's dealing with her own grief, the pain of her boy and the impossible-to-imagine agony of their parents.
Death comes and we feel sad when we think of the person who is gone. We will miss them, and, depending on our connection with them, they will leave a hole in our lives. Still, when an old person dies, it seems the right and proper end to an active and full life.
When a young person dies it seems wrong, somehow, because, in a certain sense, it takes away our hopes and dreams for the future. Gone are the longed-for grandchildren, the excitement of viewing another's careers, love affairs, and home-making, through the close and loving lens of family. The seasonal celebrations, the phone calls to "see how you are", the visits with long conversations about triumphs and defeats; all those are gone.
We don't feel sad for the person who died. They've gone beyond sadness, pain, all the comforts and discomforts of life. We feel sad for ourselves. And deeply lonely. How to we heal? How do we become happy again?
We learn how much of our happiness depended upon the very presence of another, and very precious, being; and how much of it depended upon our vision of the future. Our salvation, and the way to heal, is to focus as much and as deeply as we can on the present moment, even when it's painful to do so.
Acceptance of our feelings is key. Allow the sadness and know that the food still needs to be cooked, people still need to be tended to, jobs still need to be done. Accept and do, focus on each task and find the small joys in each moment.
Your life will go on. Pay attention, and let your new future emerge from within the seeds of this closely observed present, and when you think of your loved one, think of the times you were happiest together. Forget any regret or judgement. You were together once and you loved each and still do.
Remember the love. Hold it close to you. It's all there is. It's all there ever was. It's still here for you. It will always be here for you.
Remember love.
Finding Method in the Madness:
